My best friend - Bubbles.

It still feels like yesterday you were with me. I still dream of you waking me up. I feel a hollow emptiness in me where once you were there, and I don’t think any other dog can fill that in. It has been 8 years now and I am still not over the fact that you are gone.

My ‘bubbles’ was a wonderful example of purity and is the only pure soul I know that could love me unconditionally and naturally, yet. There were only a very few days in his life he had been away from me. I was his mum, dad, his best friend, and everything. He knew everything about me, my happiness, sadness, anger, frustration. He was the only person in this world to know me like that, I used to share everything with him, my stories, my love, my dreams, and daily gossip. We walked more than a thousand miles together. Never once has he shown his stubbornness like other dogs, or shown attitude towards anything, be it long strenuous walks or tough mountains or rains or the cold winds. He was always a sport, a champion.

I cannot forgive myself every time I think that I almost ran you over accidentally in my car but thank God you were safe. Even after that I remember how you came running to me and innocently cried with pain. My heart aches thinking of the pain I must have caused to you and how you didn’t show it out yet came crawling to my lap. I don’t think any soul can be like you, to completely forgive someone for their mistake and still love them with the same intensity and feeling afterwards.

You were the one soul in this world that loved me unconditionally, trusted me and been by my side at all times. You just knew when I was happy, you jumped and went crazy around me. You listened to my failures and celebrated my victories together. You always comforted me when I was feeling low. You knew when I was sad, I miss your cuddles, and the way you keep your face next to mine to cheer me up. Sometimes you would shed a tear, or cry to just cheer me up, to show me you felt what I felt.

I miss you Bubbles. I really do. I am grateful and lucky to have had you, who loved me that way. You taught a lot of lessons in my life. One of the greatest lessons I learnt from you is to be loyal and love unconditionally if you love someone and I am like this because of you. I didn't know what I had until you left me. I am learning to value the people who value me. I remember when I brought you home, you were only the size of my palm. The first night at home, you didn’t sleep at all. I recollect how you wanted to sleep next to me, on my bed and my mum was against it. I remember how you would not stop crying if I went away. I remember how I kept my hand on your paws to make you feel comfortable until you stopped crying and fell asleep. I didn’t sleep at all that night by the way. I miss our long hikes, the conversations, and my hiking buddy.

Our relationship was surely one of its kind, that of a father and son, that of two best friends. Bubbles, I wish you were here with me today; I wish you never had to go. There is so much more I want to share with you. There are so many important things in my life now, I want to tell you. I wish I never had to see you go. It has been long still I have not had the courage to bring another soul and I am still not sure if I will be able to bear the same pain again. I am sure you are seeing me from wherever you are, from above and are keeping an eye on me, just like how you did when you were with me. I know you are listening to my thoughts now, so I just wanted you to know I am doing fine, I am thinking of you and I miss you.

**12 Oct 2022

revelation.

Some people touch your lives in ways you can never explain. They kindle your emotions, and deeply overflow it, without saying a single word, or being near you, in an unexplainable way. How they make u happy when they are around, effortless. How you share sorrows and happiness. It is not about passion or interests; it is about deep understanding and seeing each other for who you really are without needing to explain yourself to them.

You keep wondering why you love them so much, why it makes you go crazy, why they can do these to you, you keep questioning why they possess that power to touch you, to inspire you, to make you feel alive, to be the best version of you, to be the best of you and make you feel strong. Until one day, somebody gives you an answer to this mystery you have had in you. You don’t know if you should trust that answer, because what you heard seems to be crazy and weird to be real. But deep down, you felt this cosmic connection, it is almost impossible to not accept it.

Yes, I have that one person in my mind as I write this, how I don’t fear and shy in showing my flaws. How she touched parts of me that I didn’t know needed awakening. It is that moment when life, as you know it, seems strange and weird but at the same time feels alright and starts to make sense. It is like that feeling of strong wind hitting your face when you are at the summit of a mountain or smell of the first rain? Or the feeling of water to a thirsty soul?

I don’t know if I should believe in all this, but I do. This is what keeps me going. I feel freedom, I have found a part of my life’s meaning.

Life is crazy and it is the mystery that makes it interesting, and I believe in this crazy tale. I know there is a chance, 'you' might be reading this. If you are, then I just want to say I feel lucky and now I have started to also feel sincere gratitude towards you, thank you, I am ‘me’ only because of ‘you’.

**18 Sep 2022

A visit to the Psychic.

Have you ever been to a psychic reading? I met with a psychic today. This was my first time and I am overwhelmed and completely baffled by everything I have heard. I am surprised how much we don’t know or really know about this universe and human abilities.

It all started this afternoon with a debate about stars, energies, and destiny with one of my colleagues, at work. I believe in these things, but I always challenge, and give a chance to be proved wrong, and I wanted to be proved wrong, so I was showing my distrust, and claiming that it is bogus.

I believe in stars, energy, and the cosmos. The experiences in my life have made me believe in greater power and the universe’s way of working. I am a man of science, but I acknowledge that there are things that science cannot explain. I enjoy mystery and adventure, which are part of life and that is what makes every minute of our life interesting. The suspense of what the future awaits and how your life unfolds is the greatest gift life gives you, and is the biggest suspense.

Coming back to the story, my colleague introduced me to a psychic to prove a point, to make me believe that there is only so much we know. The psychic was a friend of hers, who is also a Ph.D. in astrophysics and has explored astrology. The things that she narrated has had an impact on me and to an extent that it bothers me. It is very interesting to hear what you only felt deep inside of you, from a third person. You sometimes think that these are in you, and nobody would ever know, because you have never said it out aloud. But I am surprised that people can look into your secrets without asking a single question.

She gave a lot of insight into me and who I am. Bear in mind, that the psychic or my colleague doesn’t know me personally well so am surprised by everything she narrated. She was accurate to every bit of detail of my past. This is not something that you can search off the internet. (I hope not) I have a closed circle; my colleagues and friends don’t know a lot about me and I like to keep it that way.

Time and again, I keep discovering mysteries about life which fascinate me. These are things which defy science and all the logic I possess. I don’t know how she did it, it looked like a magic trick where she pulled out a rabbit out of the hat, it surprised me. I am not sure if it is magic or cosmic vibrations or a scam. Although, I don’t believe it is a scam in any way because there is no way someone could know so many details of my life. And part of me wants to believe and trust everything she predicted is going to be true.

There is a saying that the more I learn, the more I realize how little we know.

**16 Sep 2022

bitterness.

Some incidents teach more lessons than everything you have learnt so far. There are times like these when everything you believed in was proved wrong at the blink of an eye. You start to wonder why and how these things happened, although you always thought everything was in your control. All that mattered to you, cease to matter at all. I am referring to a few incidents in the past which even today seem like a bad dream to me. When I look at those few years of my life, how I have got through those tough times on my own, I stop depending on anyone and stop caring less who stays in my life anymore. There is always a difference between someone who wants you and someone who is willing to do what is necessary to keep you. You sometimes wish that some people understood you and, at that point, there was some meaning to your life.

It is an irony that everyone wants to travel to the future as fast as they can, and when in future, there are people who want sometimes to brood over the past. So, it looks like nobody wants to live in the present.

Like they say, let the dead stay dead, and past stay past. Don’t try to travel to the past, it is just a bad trip with no refunds.

**04 Sep 2022

gratitude.

I recently turned 34. This year was special because all the people who mattered to me the most remembered the date and wished me, unlike the past few years. I do expect people to remember my birthday.(Atleast, the people who matter to me.) 😉. Don't we all do? Jokes apart, I am filled with gratitude, for the life I have lived so far, all the experiences, for all the kindness, for all the people around me, for all the great moments in my life so far, and for the present. I have learned a lot in the past few years and grown. I had someone ask me on my birthday, what is the most valuable thing of yours? Is it your emotions, feelings, or the life in you. I couldn’t answer because I didn’t know the answer. I have been lost and spellbound on this question ever since. I keep going back to the saying – what I am is different from what I have gathered so far. So, on this journey, I am just a year older. I cannot know or understand if anything has changed in me. As I decide how I should live my next year, I have made some crucial decisions which makes my life more meaningful. Well for now, I have decided to live one day at a time. 😊

**01 Sep 2022

your priceless possession.

A while ago, I had asked what was your most priceless possession? Thanks for sending me tons of responses. I was thrilled and excited to read it. I received many beautiful and interesting responses, so I have consolidated a few of them, thought I share. Have a read: my commentary in (brackets) 😊

1. "Parents are my priceless possession: They sacrificed a lot to make raise me into who I am today" (I loved this one. Your parents are lucky for your gratitude, and I am sure you show it to them too.)

2. "My two-year-old daughter: heart melts when she squeezes my fingers, with her hand" (And this one too. I don’t have kids so I don’t really know what it feels like, but I can imagine that feeling.)

3. "Mum’s watch: She passed away due to Cancer 5 years ago and it is something I kept in memory of her. I wear it for important ocassions at work, it gives me confidence and I believe that it is a good luck and I succeed through her blessings." (Your mum is always with you, and she is watching you. And of course, you have her blessings whatever you do😊)

4. "Sweater stitched by Granny: I heard from my mom that she stitched it when I was born." (Lucky you and wonderful granny. And Thanks for the pointer, I need to have a chat with my granny, to ask why she didnt make one for me.😉)

5. "Necklace: a gift from my husband" (Nice)

6. "A hairclip" (You didn’t tell me whose hairclip it was, so I guess it is your girlfriend’s 😉. I think this is romantic.).

7. "A bead" (Again, you didn’t tell me, who it belongs to, or how you found it or where you did, but I see it is very important to you 😊. And if this is of your girlfriend's then, I think this is romantic too.).

8. "My body" (I agree, no doubts).

9. "Bruno (My dog): I am partially sighted, and he is my eye. I see this world through him. If not for him, I cannot live peacefully." (Amazing Bruno, and lucky you to get a wonderful dog. I wish your bond grows stronger and stronger. ❤️ )

10. "Friendship" (Certainly agree, you are lucky to have such good friends, treasure them and don't let them go)

11. "An old fountain Pen" (You didn’t reveal who gave it to you. I think you love writing? And someone gifted it to you because they enjoyed your writing?" 😉 or they just gifted it to you for your exams?)

12. "A book by Khalil Gibran in my shelf. My best friend gave it to me when I was going through some tough times, in college. I enjoyed the book, and it helped me and changed my life." (Wow, I love the book. It was enlightening for me too. Nice one.)

13. "Some seashells, pebbles, and stones from the beach: Me and my girlfriend enjoy long walks. First time when I met her 5 years ago, we were in Devon, we walked miles together along the beach. It was a memorable walk. So, this is something that I picked up from there. I keep it as a reminder of that day." (Wow, I am impressed because it is something that I enjoy. This is beautiful. You win my heart right away my friend. Good luck, I hope she is the one.)

14. "My car: because I got it after saving every penny of my salary" (Nice. I hope she doesn’t disappoint you)

One thing clearly stands out from all these answers. Most of us have a person behind the object that we think is priceless. You value sentiments and emotions behind it. You have your mum’s watch because you love her much and it is the sentiment that makes you feel close to her. Or you preserved a bead from someone’s necklace because you loved her so much. There is always someone as a reason behind it. What I understand is that all of us share a common feeling towards the people we love. Sometimes it gives us motivation, and at times it is strength, and other times it is for confidence. We have our own set of “priceless” things that we would never trade even for a million pounds.

**23 Aug 2022

hope.

I thought of narrating a love story today. A story I heard only recently, though the person in the story is very close to me and I have known her well for years. Some of you might have seen a similar one in the TV series "modern love". This is similar but not the same. I thought I would publish it here. I will spare you the details because I am sure your imagination can do wonders while you read. In 1957, a young girl in her mid-twenties boarded an aeroplane to Massachusetts. She was leaving to pursue her dream degree at Harvard University. I heard it was also the time when Harvard had very less women students. As someone who has always lived at home doing household chores, taking care of her parents and grandparents, she was a traditional uptown girl. This was her first flight in her lifetime so far. She had never seen or boarded an aeroplane before, not even for inland trips. She was so excited and pumped up, she couldn’t sleep the entire night or the days before. She packed her bags in advance days before her travel date and eagerly waited. Her family wanted to send her off at the airport. Imagine a traditional family at the airport, sending off their girl child to an unseen foreign land at the airport, in a large group with relatives flocked in the terminal like a festival parade. The girl felt overwhelmed, at the same time, felt empowered just looking at the number of people who supported her in this journey. As she headed towards the aircraft, tears rolled down her cheek thinking how privileged she was. There were no cell phones in those days. All communication was through fixed landlines and had to be planned.

She boarded the aircraft and noticed that a handsome young man, who was in his early thirties, was on the adjacent seat. He looked reserved and didn’t pry too much. Both exchanged smiles and he continued to mind his business. The girl was not good at small talk, quite shy and didn’t want to get into awkward conversation so she avoided it all together.

As the flight took off and in-flight, he started a conversation, and they ended up having a good chat. It turned out that he was a businessman working in the US and was a frequent traveler. They both hit it off instantly. At the end of the flight, they both felt there was something between them that they couldn't ignore. There was no apprehension between them, there was a great sense of familiarity and calmness. They had similar interests, and they clearly were attracted to each other. It was a feeling that was not new, a feeling that had been buried in her for a long time. Coming from a conservative family, the girl was confused to see if this was real. At that time, the only goal she had was to get her degree from her dream institution. She had no time for any other distractions, but this was something she couldn’t let go of. As they reached their destination, they realized that they got closer and closer, and a feeling of loosing something of their own began to set in.

After they deplaned, she began counting every minute left with him. Both were unsure how to depart and said nothing more. She had thought of asking for his phone number but then she thought not to set any expectations. They said their goodbyes and parted ways. She had realized that considering her safety, she hadn’t revealed her second name or where she was heading, and he didn’t either. As she got into the taxi, an immense sadness hit her. She realized that she missed him already. It was a heartbreaking feeling. At first, she thought this would wear off eventually, but it didn’t. Days passed, weeks, months, and years. Her feelings for him didn’t wear off. She regretted every single day not asking for his phone number.

She remembered him mentioning that he lived somewhere close to Newton. So, she officially became a stalker. She would catch a bus in the morning on the weekends to go around the area, hoping to bump into him one day. Unfortunately, she never did. There was no way she could backtrack him. She tried to recollect everything he said, but she couldn’t place him anywhere. She would check the newspapers regularly to see if there was any news about him.

Every time she travelled back home, her eyes would secretly search for him in the passenger queues. She remembered that he was a businessman and frequent traveler, so she would book the same flight every time, hoping someday they would meet, which never happened. Sometimes she would just want to know if he was doing okay. Deep down, she just wanted to find out if he was thinking of her. And the worst part being that she didn’t know if he felt the same way as she did.

Five years passed; she had graduated with distinction. She had achieved what she wanted; she was top of the class. She still missed him. She couldn’t explain why. It was time that she realized that anything could have happened to him. She didn’t even have a picture of him. All she had was his memories and the time spent with him.

A few more years passed, and she got married, fell in love with the person whom she married. She had 4 beautiful kids. She led a happy and successful life. But she still gets reminded of him every now and then. There is not a time when she hasn’t really thought about him at least once, in a few days or weeks. Every day she would pray for his wellness and safety. She lost her beloved husband when she was 64 to cancer. And her life moved on.

In 1999, she received an invitation to a reunion. As she read through the letter, all her old memories gushed in. She looked back at her journey so far. She was filled with content and fulfillment, talking to her grandson. She booked the same flight, secretly hoping to make the journey with his memories. Now, even after so many years, it had become a habit, her eyes would still sweep through the passengers at the waiting lobby.

Everything came back to her, her college lobby, room, the memories of the trips she made, in search of an unknown man. After the reunion, her best friend Marta invited her home for dinner. She couldn’t help but notice that they were heading towards Newton district. She had also invited a few of her neighbors.

Time stood still, hair on her hands stood up, as she saw the man who she has been searching forever standing in front of her. Everything around them froze. All she wanted to know at that moment was to know if he would recognize her and still remembered her. He hugged her so tight; it answered her question. Everyone was surprised that they knew each other before. He didn’t leave her side for a minute that night. They had quite a lot of catching to do. They didn’t sleep that night, eventually they were kicked out of Marta’s house.

The only question I had when I heard this story was “Did he think of her the same way as she did?”. This is what he said to her– “I didn’t know you were studying or working. I searched every college in town with the hope of finding you. I stopped by every business that I knew. I took a trip downtown every now and then, and spent my entire time there, looking for you. I travelled more frequently to London after that, and booked the same flight every time, hoping to bump into you someday, but I did. I did some searching in London. I remember you told me you like museums, so I visited the museums here and in London whenever I was in town. I took a lot of time to move on. I just couldn’t. After 7 years, I met my wife while I was searching for you, and we got married many years later.”

**10 Aug 2022

Prayers.

Have you ever at a point in your life witnessed a miracle? At that point you thought everything was over because there was no other way. You thought the universe let you down in all possible way and you thought that there is no other way forward. At least I have, at some point in the past where it was beyond my control. I remember a specific incident when my dad's health was affected. I got scared, I could afford all the money in the world but then this wasn't something money could buy. Those are times when your belief in the existence of God either gets shaken, or becomes stronger. Times like those remind me that we have control over only a handful of elements and all we can do is take in control of the ones we have.

Prayer means different things to different people; I always have this thought why people must connect it to a religion. I relate it to God. I haven’t been religious, but I strongly believe in the existence. No wonder there are many questions unanswered and natural mysteries unsolved. The ultimate belief that a superpower exists and taking time to just bounce your thoughts to that power, brings so much peace. I don’t expect that all my prayers are answered, I get everything that I ask but at the same time, I have a faith that someone is listening. It is a justification, to be fair and not be greedy.

I am writing this, because I was reminded of those sleepless nights and days 10 years ago today, which were an absolute nightmare for my family. My sky turned grey, my world turned upside down as my father was rushed to emergency that night. I was confused, shocked and traumatized because I never thought it could happen to the strongest and toughest person I know. I had never seen my dad in a stretcher before, that very sight brought me down to my knees. Every second that passed felt like an hour, and I was scared to think that I was losing my dad, and the pain he was going through.

I spent most of my time in my temple, my shrine of peace, the place where I meditate, praying and gaining strength because I had to. My mom is one of the strongest people I know but I also know that I am one of the sources of her strength, so it was very much needed for me to stay focused and hold everything together. And I did.

I remember I dropped everything at work that night, even though it was a crucial week at work. My colleagues supported me, and my manager distributed the work so that nothing was affected. They gave me a few weeks off to recover from the shock and support my family. My friends couldn’t be there next to me because they were outside the country but then they were on standby over phone for any assistance they could. All procedures went fine and happened without any obstacles, so that the entire focus was on my dad’s recovery.

When I think now, there were several things that could have gone wrong that night. In fact, everything had to work like clockwork to be where I am today. I cannot be grateful for everything. We don’t have to search for God at all, isn’t it? At least I was primitive and stubborn in the past to believe only what I see. Unfortunately, seeing is only one way of perception. Eventually I understood that God works through people around you, feelings, emotions, and actions.

I wish that you never be in that kind of situation, but if you are. Then, do what brings you inner peace-meditate or pray. Everything will be alright. Remember that it is just one thing that has gone wrong, but there are a thousand more that are happening right to make it alright.

**31 July 2022

My red star.

I was at Tomorrowland this year. I have been attending it every year since 2017. I must admit that “Love” is a bit overrated in the festival, the tag line goes like "live today, love tomorrow, unite forever". :-D I shouldn’t call this out in my post because festival fans will gang up on me, and am sure I will receive some heated emails.:-D But whatever said, it was fun, and it fantastic after three years of waiting.

Life is a ride. Couple of days back, I was feeling moody and lonely. I was sad for no obvious reasons. I began questioning my purpose, my existence. I don’t know what triggered it. I got back from work, and I found myself lost for no reason. My old photos and notes made me feel a bit better. Like I believe the universe brings people together in the most mysterious ways. As the night set in, I found solace in my best friend. We all understand there are ups and downs, and we need a shoulder to cry on, a person you can trust to just tell that everything will be alright. And it helped me.

What is the most priceless possession of yours right now? Mine is a red star on a yellow background sitting in my bookshelf.

**29 July 2022

Reboot.

How have you been? It has been a while, hasn’t it? Thanks for all the support and sincere gratitude from the bottom of my heart. It matters to me a lot that you are reading this. It makes me feel privileged because I have so many well-wishers who send tons of emails and check on me. And sticking around even though I have been gone for a long time. I have always questioned my amateur style of writing, loathing myself in doubts of self-worth. Lately these voices are much louder than before.

If I can find one altruistic reason why I take time beyond my busy work schedule, it makes everything clear. Why do I try to write some of my feelings down? Why do I publish this online? Why am I missing out on time with family and friends instead I sit and write a paragraph? I write it down because this might help people feel peace for a few moments. Because there is always someone out there who is going through something everyday, sometimes happiness, love, heart break, sickness, anger, frustration or just having a bad day. Someone needs to be reminded how beautiful life is, if someone can feel my emotions, I am sure they will find a bit of solace thinking that everything is going to be alright. Most of the time the thoughts I write are my own, but I am an avid reader, so it is possible that I am reflecting on some of the thoughts shared by spiritual gurus I follow. People turn to spirituality for many reasons. Some turn to it to try to cope with their feelings and stress, while others want justification for what they do, and others really want to find purpose and meaning to their life. I know why I turned to spirituality. I enjoy myself wandering in the alleys of selflessness and discovering the purpose of my existence. I have this immense urge in me to be useful, to be meaningful, and at the same time I want to be careful that I don’t use spirituality to avoid my problems, emotions, and conflicts. I was surprised to learn about a phenomenon called “spiritual bypassing” which leads to doing exactly that. I have 4700+ people following my posts today and out of which many of you send me wishes and interact with me regularly. This has only boosted my self-confidence.

I try to spread positivity as much as I can because I want everyone around me to be happy. I hope people can relate to the feelings in me. It makes me think that somewhere, someone can relate to me, the choices I have made, the choices I am making. I am not looking for justification or gratification. It is just my way of saying I felt this. I consider this in the purest of intentions. This process makes all the difference for me. Whatever happens in my life, I will always try to find the meaning behind it. Because I believe everything happens for a reason, and you never know until it has reached its course. We have so many distractions around us that we somehow become oblivious to the truth. We just need to wait to see the climax. Sometimes we make mistakes, we do things which are against our moral beliefs, it happens and is Ok. It happened due to fear, due to desperation, due to a situation which you couldn’t avoid but what is important is to acknowledge and not repeat it. I am trying to learn from everything I have done so far, but one day at a time, one moment at a time.

Everything feels like yesterday to me. When I scroll to read my previous posts, it makes me understand who I am and how unique each one of us is. There is no template that can be applied to understand a person, there is no way to understand one’s feelings. You can only feel what is in you, and all those feelings were sowed and kindled by others. You cannot know what others feel for you, no one really knows anyone completely, really.

Thanks for giving me the space. The past couple of months have been fantastic, I have been able to live up to my expectations. I have been close to what I love. I travelled well, and I will be continuing my journey. My sense of gratitude has only increased multifold in these couple of months. I am thankful for everything; I consider myself lucky today, and I wish I can continue to give back to the universe after taking only what is necessary.

**05 July 2022

I am in love.

One year ago, around this time, I took a brave step to reach out to a total stranger because she looked familiar to me, had a feeling that I knew her for over a thousand years, and I was right, I did know her. It soon evolved into a wonderful relationship, I found my soul. I remember asking-"What is love", for me this is it.

Call it a cliché, not. It bloomed many flowers in my garden, and as time went by our bond grew stronger and stronger, we lost each other in ourselves, we lost each other in the smiles, happiness and sorrows, we grew together multi folds, we were for each other and we fell in love without even realizing it. I look back at those days and it still feels fresh, how she made me smile every day, even if we spoke for just five minutes everyday.

**13 April 2022

Ethics vs morals vs everything else.

What makes you go after something? Is it greed? Is it that strong desire? Is it this immense need to pursue something?

If you could get to the bottom of it and find the real reason, I think you would be happy. I am in a unique situation right now professionally.

I keep looking for new opportunities for me to grow, and I interviewed for a position with a competitor team back in January. I am happy I got it and I accepted the offer very recently. I let my manager know that I will be moving. He was sad to loose me. Everyone in my team was disappointed that I was leaving. It makes me happy to know that I am a good person. A lot of my colleagues personally expressed how much I would be missed. I have lot of weight on my shoulders, I know my team will be crippled if I leave now but as they say, the show must go on. I could see that many folks were happy for my new opportunity because they thought I deserved it.

Yesterday, my manager and his skip, from the current team surprised me with a counteroffer if I wanted to stay back. The counteroffer was much more attractive than what my new team is offering. I started to understand that teams have been fighting for me and I am valuable. It makes me feel good to know my worth and I am important but at the same time, I don’t like the attention.

I was reminded of my dad’s advice when I started to work at a young age - “Whatever you do, wherever you work- small or big. When you are at work, always give the fullest, try to do your best. Give your full dedication and devotion, money, fame and recognition will follow. Work and make a place for you in the team such that if you are gone, they feel your loss. The company should see the struggle if you are gone. You should make sure that that you are irreplaceable”. I live by these words, and I realize this is gold dust.

I am torn between ethics and doing the right thing. I must put me & my career first here. But as a person, for me ethics comes first, and I cannot go against it. I know I will never be able to make peace with myself afterwards. I know my new manager is waiting for me to join and has huge plans for me. But at the same time, I will be leaving a great team and a good manager who is trying everything to make me happy. It is not ethical for me to go and tell my new manager that I am not joining now, but at the same time it is not ethical to join the new team with half a heart. The worst would be me joining the new team and working with half-heartedness, I would rather not leave and give my best.

When I received my offer from the new team a month ago, "my love" and I discussed this thoroughly, and we ran through the pros & cons, the challenges and we decided that the new opportunity was the clear choice. But now, things have changed, there is a counteroffer which is much more attractive, which offers more scope for my future, a clear path for career growth.

I have thought about it many times now. I am not greedy; I don’t care about the money, but it looks like that is what is now making me reconsider my move. Do I really value money more than ethics?

Or is it the effort, attention, and acknowledgement I am getting from the current team? Why didn’t the team realize that I needed this before, and now they think they want me? It is also clear that people understand your worth and value only if you move away from them.

I think it is ethical to take a decision that makes me happy. I shouldn’t worry about letting the new manager down now, because if I join his team, I might let him down anyways in future. I wouldn’t want to do something half-hearted. The very fact that I had second thoughts about my new job, means that I don’t really want it. I think I know what it is, it is the excitement, and it is probably the sense of newness and possibility that it is a new team, that I love about it. So, I think I want to stick to the current team, because I think this is what I love to do, I will go with that feeling, I enjoy my work and the people I work with, they want me to grow with them. And a lot of work I have done in the past year is going to help for the next one year.

I am sure this is not the first time, and you have experiences to share. I would like to hear your situation and how you solved it. What would you do if you were me? Would you go to the new team, or stick with the current team?

**07 April 2022

Farewell.

Farewells are never easy, Isn’t it? When was the last time you bid farewell to someone who was very close to you? Are you good at farewells? Am not.

The only thing that is constant in life is change, I very well understand that. You understand that it is needed, to be better, to achieve something, to make them happy. I understand that I must move on, once more, but my choice is not to. Yes, you guessed it right, she is moving to another country. I will keep this post short because I don’t wish to write much. I am happy for her and wish her all the luck. We both know what we have for each other, something that is out of this world, she realizes it too. We consoled each other that nothing changes, but we both know deep down what is going to come, or at least I know. We had a wonderful farewell date together and had her to me for the entire evening. :) The universe made it perfect with candles, the dark storm outside and a power cut. I love to learn everything about her. I enjoy every tiny bit of her. We talked a lot, we shared much and by the end of it, I just couldn’t say bye or let her go. I never showed it out. As I bid goodbye to her, I feel like hugging all the great memories I have had with a warm cry. She will always be my love, my kiddo, my everything, my soul- “near or far, wherever you are…". You know the rest, you guessed it right, I borrowed lyrics from Celine Dion’s song again. I finally thought to myself and never said it out loud – "I will always be here; I will always be. Have all your experiences and if you ever feel you need to be home, I will be waiting for you, in the same place, ready to pick up where we left off, with my arms wide open. And you be ready to take me for who I am." I know who I am, so I will always be for you, by you, to make you feel at home forever. As the night ended, I tucked her in and wished her good night. I was sitting on my balcony, watching the stars and the moon, sipping my mid night tea, as all the memories started to gush in me, I thought to myself how lucky I must be. Times like these make me realize that you don’t need to be next to the person to love them.

This post is dedicated to the love of my life, to "her", who is my best friend and my special someone.

**04 April 2022

Meeting with the moon.

I bumped into someone from my past in the shopping mall today. Ironically there were only two women in my past life, and I never had a hesitation bumping into the other except my previous ex. It was strange because we both had never thought we would see each other again and be in a situation like this. And this was the relationship I took lot of time to get over. Did you know there was an unspoken rule in relationships, that only the guy should propose to the girl? I never knew it at that time. Why can’t the first to feel love break the silence?

This happened many years ago before my ex-girl friend. I used to hang out with a friend all the time. We both liked each other very much. We were together for slightly more than 2 years, and when I look back, those were one of the best years of my life. We used to chat over phone all the time, every day, we were so much connected that our families thought we were in a relationship. We used to jog together, she lived close to my house, so we used to grab morning coffee together, have brunch, meet up at the coffee shop after work, have dinner, go around the city, sit by the lake, watch movies, so technically we used to (let’s call it) “soft” date. But throughout we were a bit whimsical, either of us never admitted we were in love with each other. We never exchanged- “I love you”, we never kissed, we were not touchy. Our relationship was so mature I was even proud of it. We both were just good friends. She wasn’t seeing other guys, and I wasn’t seeing other girls the entire time. We liked each other so much that we would be happy just hanging out with each other, she was honest, never blanked me, would not miss any of my football matches, she would not miss my hard rock café gigs. She always used to keep note of everything, every important event of mine, I trusted her, she was my support, she used to stand by me for everything, she used to be thoughtful, sometimes she would read me when I was upset or worked up, come home, and say - “Hey come on let’s go for a walk, to clear your head out” , and I would feel a lot better. Sometimes, she would do the simplest of the things-like buy my favourite ice cream cone or some cake or play my favourite song or send a cheering message, share a joke, cook something for me, all the simple things you can think to cheer me up. So, she used to take efforts to keep me happy, be there always for me, do the best for me. When I think back now, unfortunately, I never acknowledged it. I never realized it. I never understood the value of those simple things until she disappeared from my life and went away. It crushes me when I think about it now, that I had to lose her to understand that those things were integrated into my life and meant a world to me. I never noticed how it was important because I had everything I wanted, took her for granted and I failed miserably.

I understand today what is taken for granted will be eventually taken away. Then you end up missing most what you least appreciated. I never properly reciprocated the care and love I received from her. If I think now, she deserved someone better than that version of me.

Physically there was a spark between us. I used to feel an electricity between us. And I know she was feeling it too, because have caught her several times giving me that look as she brushes her hair. (You know what I mean) And you know that feeling when your hand accidently touches the person you are attracted to. Sometimes when she stood so close to me, I felt the static. But I always used to keep a distance because she was my friend. Funnily I “friend-zoned” her, not because I didn’t want anything more but because I respected her and was careful not to cross boundaries.

After two years of great friendship and closeness, one night, she invited me to a dinner. It was at a fancy roof top restaurant in London overlooking the Thames. Usually, I picked her up for dinners, but this time she said she wanted to drive to the place herself, that was unusual.

I reached the restaurant before time and made my way to the roof. As I got off the elevator, I saw a beautiful woman sitting at the table that was specially reserved for me. I was really blown away how beautiful she looked. She was wearing a beautiful dress that perfectly fit her and the occasion. I had never seen her this way. I always wondered how she would look in a dress and there she was, couldn’t look more perfect.

I complimented her and sat down. I could see the light from the candles sparkling in her clear big grey eyes, and her thick silky dark brunette hair flapped in the wind as she sat on the table. Her diamond earrings were just dancing to the wavy candles, shining like stars on a dark night. I was blank and completely lost in her eyes and could not think of anything else. She noticed it and I couldn’t control staring at her eyes. It was rad, I knew exactly what was coming that night and I felt butterflies in my stomach.

The first question she asked was- “How long do you plan to keep me waiting? I think we both know what we feel for each other. What is stopping you from saying it? You made me wait too long, and I am at a point where I cannot just hide it anymore. I am afraid I will keep waiting forever, but here it goes - I love you; I knew the day I met you that we were different and there was something between us.”. I didn’t know honestly there was an unspoken rule that a guy should propose first. I told her exactly that. She said it looked like I liked all the attention but didn’t want the commitment of being in a relationship. She spoke exactly what I was feeling. She was right.

But I didn’t let the moment pass, I said- “I don’t think I could have said it as beautiful, as you just did”. I kept my hand on hers and held it tight and said – “I love you too and I don’t think you could look more beautiful.”. And I meant it. For the next hour, we were totally silent, we didn’t want to talk anything. All we did was just look at each other and smile. It was weird that two people who talk 24 hours a day on random topics could go silent without saying anything for an hour. We were two people sitting holding hands and just watching the river, soaking in the silence. I don’t think I can forget that. I think we both knew how happy we were in that moment. We had everything that night, had a stable job, nothing stopped us from being together. How did I go from that to this? I will never understand.

We had several dates after that, and every time was magical than the other. After a year, we were compelled to part ways as she had to move to the US for work. It was a difficult decision for both of us because both of us were career focused. She asked me several times me to migrate to her country, but I think I was selfish. May be there was a bit of ego in me, asking me to test if she would stay back. I still regret it, what could have been the most perfect relationship ever, I would have never met my doctor girlfriend later, with who I would have never been so much more in love with for 10+ years and I would not have had a heart break. If I had a time machine, may be I will go back in time and fix it, at least give her all the love and attention she deserved.

We did love each other, no doubts. I still think we could have been so much more. I still regret it. If I had a chance to go back in time, I would have just gotton on that plane with her and not have second thoughts, not worry about my career. I admired her for who she was, and her spouse is lucky to have her. It is a lesson for me, sometimes in life you should go for it. Not put too many if’s and but’s. If you really love something chase it till you die, everything else will follow. I wasn’t lucky enough to be that guy. I have taken so many learnings from that relationship and her, and what I have understood is that I spent so much time with her, she made me a version of herself. I am proud to say that she had a good influence on me. I have learned to be like her, give everything when it comes to a relationship. And I did in my next relationship which lasted for ten years, and it broke because of different reasons.

She told me she is married now and invited me home to meet her family. I could see that we still have an unsettling and awkward feeling because of our chemistry, so of course, I don’t plan to meet her ever again. She still looked the same beautiful woman I once loved, so many years and still not changed or may be at least to my eyes, she has only become more beautiful, and I could still recall the light from the candles bouncing of her eyes. Am I still in love with her? Certainly not. But I do think I am in love with that memory, the way it all came back to me today. After I returned home, all I have of her are the memories, I felt bad. I wish I had a shoulder to cry on right now. I am not in a good place now. There is a deep sense of regret, shame, that I didn’t value what could have been a good friendship that lasted forever. I started to think what she would have gone through to get over me, because I knew she loved me more than I loved her. I began to think what goes around comes around. At some level, I broke the relationship off because I was not able to move to her country. There are always two sides of the coin, she could have stayed with me, finally she is married and moved back to my city. So maybe we could argue both ways. But finally, I think someone had to give in, it could have been me. There was nothing at that point in life, that stopped me from getting on that plane and moving for her to another country. I do feel happy for where she is now, I knew she would always find someone as perfect as her.

I am a firm believer of everything happens for a reason and in the end, fate balances everything out. She wanted to know if I met someone, I told her – “I did twice and one recently but…yet, I feel am close” . She smiled and I could read a million words of that smile. We parted our ways again and I think this will be the last time I see her. “You never realize the value of what you have, until one day you lose it”. And it cannot be truer, and it took me only 13 years to realize this.

Isn’t it true? Have you felt it?

**13 March 2022

Stay Strong.

I am deeply saddened by the recent events. I cannot believe we live in 2022 yet we still have not realized fragility of life. There are a million other problems for us to solve together. We live in such an imperfect world. I am baffled and never thought I would wake up to such news where an entirely innocent population is affected. I have friends from both Ukraine and Russia, and love both the countries. Right now, people in these countries are living through their worst nightmares. I cannot imagine the lives of so many readers who are from these beautiful countries and have extended warm invitations to visit them so many times. I am still in shock hearing stories from my colleagues who tell me that their families are fighting, stuck, and the war is real, and share the feeling of being helpless. I know many of you feel helpless like me just hearing all of this. Stay strong my friends, brothers and sisters. If you have colleagues from these countries understand that they are going through a tough time and be available for them emotionally. I pray that peace prevails soon, be safe and well protected. Love & Peace.

**24 Feb 2022

Happy Valentine's Day.

“Roses are red. Violets are blue, if you are feeling cheesy, I am too.” Happy Valentine’s Day folks! Have a nice one. I wish you to spend time with your true love today and be happy with your love birds forever. I wish everyone that you fearlessly fly thousands of miles together, explore amazing territories, enjoy the small puddles in life and stick to each other forever.

I remember this from someone- “Love is about letting the person you love choose what they want” and I know some of you had to let go of your dearest, so if you have loved someone and still do. Feel happy for them. But please don’t tell them, keep it a secret instead, it will help, and go drink a cup of tea. (Pss. I recently tried the Egyptian tea and it is quite good.) 😊

I am so grateful to each one of you, my dear readers, you have been flooding my inbox with wishes and greetings on Valentine’s Day. I wish there was a way to multiply the positive energy and return it back to you. Nevertheless, I do believe the universe will settle it for you.

Every morning I wake up, I try to pull my stuff together and prepare for a new day. There is a light at the end of the tunnel that I work towards. Today, I did not want to do that and wanted to just take the day off. There is an excuse for me to do so because I overslept. I just wanted to have an agenda free Monday, with no thoughts. I have been running a lot with my agenda, working late, so today I am just not in the mood to work. I wanted to stop everything today and take a walk. Yes, I did it.

Thanks everyone for your great stories and photos that you sent across in the last couple of days. I am yet to catch up on all of it, but I read at least ten of them and I am in love with it. So, pre-cognition is a thing among people and there are others who are like me.

I can see that day by day my subscribers are increasing, and thanks to 4722 travellers at this time who have subscribed to my site. It makes me happy that people read it, but at the same time I am nervous when I see 100s of emails in my inbox, so please bear with me it will take time for me to read. But I am learning a lot from it just by reading experiences around the world. I remember a quote “the biggest misconception people have is that they are the odd one out and everyone else is sorted” and I started to believe is true.

Thanks a ton Tom, Tracy, Jim, Anu, Akansha, Andreaa, Umur, Kevin, Nicoleta, James, Phil for your wonderful Valentine’s Day wishes. Apologies if I have missed someone in the long list. And I am happy and feel warm that there are readers like you who respond and react to every single post of mine. I get goosebumps looking at the responses, reactions from you and how you echo what I write. Thanks again for just sending your opinions and sharing thoughts with me, I appreciate it and it is extremely valuable. Sometimes you are my jury. Thanks for reaching out to me when my posts become emotional to check if I was doing Ok.

Do you have a love story that you feel magical writing about? I would love to hear it. Please feel free to email it to me you would like to share.

**14 Feb 2022

A Vivid Dream.

You might be able to relate to having those 9 types of dreams, that are common. The dreams about your falling teeth, the naked dream, the falling dream, failing in exams dream, flying dream, dream of being chased by something, etc. I still get the "failing in the exams dream" quite often and I always wake up thinking I must leave for school, although it has been a long time I graduated out of school. I still hate that feeling. But I am not referring to these types of dreams. I am referring to the ones which stick to you even after you wake up and your day has passed. I recently had a vivid dream, still fresh in my mind. I do think these are related to some of my thoughts, because it was about someone very close to me and rather pleasant. But it made me feel their presence next to me, that they are very next to me. It was like a cold breeze that hit me. I felt moved, as I suddenly woke up in the middle of the night, still trying to pull my thoughts together, for a brief moment I slipped reality and forgot that I was alone.

I don’t dream often or maybe I don’t remember all of them. I get two kinds of dreams. One which are regressions of my past, based on my fears from my past. When I was little, I used to fear a house in my street, an old house, with no residents for a long time, always dark, full of creepers and tall grass. Get the picture? The one where evil witch could be living. Every day I passed that place, I used to get chills. It was something instilled in by my cousins, who used to narrate scary stories about that house and how haunted it was. Ever since, I have always had developed fear for that place. The house was taken down after a few years and now hosts a posh residential project. The other couple of dreams that I get quite often are effect of my previous relationship. I find myself in the future, with another girl, happy as ever, but I bump into my ex and make it awkward. It annoys me because I am very monogamous, and it makes my skin burn. I don’t like that feeling. My ex is a successful doctor, so sometimes in my dreams she is the doc in the GP I go to, and I bump into her. Sometimes, I have dreams where I find that I am moving to a new country, and she is there, we bump into each other in a shopping mall or a restaurant. Other times, I buy a new apartment and she is my neighbour. Sometimes I have thought if this related to my mental state, it was my mental state that creates these dreams. It is funny because I am not trying to run from her. In fact, I see her quite often because she is a doctor in my home city and her family are friends of my family. The worst dream I have had about my ex is time where I was at her funeral, and I felt the pain. I remember tears after I woke up and I prayed a million times that it should never come true. I could never hope to see something like that, even today. I have sometimes wondered what triggers these dreams in me.

The second kind is the one where I foresee events in future. It is strange, superstitious, but I sometimes do. Not exaggerating that I can predict the future, I hope not. For example, I remember seeing my grandmom, making a trip to a country, to a spot she has never been to before. After I had the dream, I said to my mom-that someday granny is going to go to Australia. My mom didn’t believe it until it happened after a few months. And I am not making this up, and it is perfectly Ok if you don’t believe me. 😊 This is just one example, I have had so many of them but nothing dark or intense, I thank god for that. It is usually only petty things like this. Sometimes I see myself in a beautiful place, a garden, a forest, and after a few months I find me visiting that exact same place. I mistook it for De Ja vu a few times. After that, I made it a point to describe the dream to someone as soon after I woke up, as a note. And I would refer to the note after it happened. Not always everything comes true, some are created by my imagination. But the ones that come true, I can sense very well.

Many times, I dream of people who I haven’t seen for a long time, like years and it is a coincidence that they show up in front of me in next few days. Sometimes I see people I have not seen before, and I meet them a little later. Some superpowers, uh? Well, not really the condition is called precognition. Well, psychologists just come up with weird terms for everything. I still don’t understand how this can be interpreted as science.

I have heard from multiple people who know me that I have a strong intuition, maybe it is related. I would like to go measure it someday if there was a way to do it. Is there?

I am very keen to meet someone who has had similar experiences like me. So, if anyone of you have something to share with me, feel free to send me a note like always. I would love to read about your experiences.

**10 Feb 2022

Change.

When you wake up in the morning and see your inbox with 370 emails, you start to wonder, how? And why? That’s when you understand that there have been a lot of things going on at work, irrespective of the time zone. Not all 370 came in last night or are important, they are from my backlog but just the thought of mining through them to figure out what is important and replying to all of them is tiring. How do you cope with work stress? I take a deep breath and sip my favorite tea. Or go to the lake. Or just go out for a walk.

I am going through a lot right now. There is a lot of work, and very little time. I have a lot of research work. At the same time, I am finding no time for myself to unwind. I have been waking up in the morning at 6.30 and sleeping at 1, in between I pull a solid 14-hour workday. Although I enjoy and love what I do, it is exhausting. I feel like I am tired from the inside. But like any other time, I am confident that I will pull through it, it will pass. So, absolutely no time for my life right now. It has been a while I have had any conversation with my best friend, we have been catching a bit of hide and seek lately. I know she has some major commitments; her days are busy too. I can feel she is getting stressed out too. I took a walk around the lake today during lunch, and it helped me to put some perspective. Going back to my thought on taking life, as it comes. One day at a time.

I recently bought a MIDI controller hoping to play something, but I haven’t been able to start anything yet. I need some time for myself, just alone. I just want to lay on my couch and do nothing. Get the feeling? But at this point I really don’t know how. I have already stacked up agenda for my weekend although it is just the start of the week.

I can feel that there is something major coming up in my life, and I need to prepare for it. Sometimes you are at this crossroad of life, where you need to decide which path to take. The decision is not easy, because it deals with a lot, you are going to make a few of your favorite people disappointed, make some people sad, some people are going to miss you, and it will never be the same. You very well know that the path you are on currently is good, but you must be brave and decide if you want to keep moving forward or take a turn. I am not afraid but am cautious about what I want to do. I know the path I am on is great and preparing to pack my suitcase to a place I have never been. I don’t want to regret it.

There is only one thing that is constant in life, and that is change. Everything changes, people around you, the things around you, your lifestyle, your status, your relationships, but there is just one that remains constant and is “you”. So am going to decide keeping "me" in mind.

I know this feeling will pass just like all other days. But right now, I am slowly sinking it in, and surrounded by it. I have always believed that I am very well adapting to change. I cannot deny that I am preparing for a big change, the other side of which is unknown to me, I can feel it. If I have survived this far, I have this strength to overcome anything and I know I will get through fine. I am only afraid of the casualties I make in the process.

**08 Feb 2022

A short trip.

I cannot explain why I love cycling so much. It has been a while I have done anything intense. My mind and body needed it. I try to be active as much as I can. I would love to experience extreme conditions, be it hot or cold. I think it satisfies my ego to some level, to feel strong, to feel free, to feel I am alive, I could do anything or may just be adventurous. I love that feeling when I cycle long distances and my body is completely exhausted. That feeling when you can feel every bar of your body battery is down completely. I love the feeling of getting exhausted, tired, being completely zero on energy when you feel your entire body burning up. I love the freedom, that feeling of wind hitting your face, when you swoosh going downhill, probably at speeds of 50 km/hr. All of us have our getaways, don’t we? Give it a thought. What is yours that makes you feel this way? What have you done that made you feel free, feel alive? Given you a sense of achievement.

It is winter and is cold right now where I live. Probably, temperatures range between -1 and 3, but I still couldn’t resist a long trip today. I went to a nearby village about 50 kilometers from my place and loved the ride. Usually, I select a local coffee shop where I go, at the destination, and head with that as my goal in mind. As usual, I selected a place next to the lake. Tea and cake by the lake, sounds perfect isn’t it, even if it is zero degrees. I do love riding with some of my friends, but this time, it was just me. I enjoy loneliness.

I got the most perfect spot next to the lake to rest and enjoyed the view. I started thinking about a movie that I watched recently. I visited a friend’s place yesterday and watched a movie yesterday with his family. I enjoyed the movie. It was a romantic movie, it got me thinking. It perfectly captured the life of the protagonist and his love at different stages. What moved me in the movie was the love for a girl, and how it blooms beautifully. Right when everything was perfect, and couldn’t be any better, she meets with an accident and loses her memories. The protagonist visits her at the hospital and tries to have a conversation with her but realizes that she doesn’t recognize him anymore. Her memory of him or his love or their time spent together is completely wiped. I am someone who could feel these emotions, I was instantly able to relate to the feeling and could feel how difficult it must’ve been for someone to go through something like that. I cannot imagine it happening to someone, and I hope that this was fictional. If it makes you feel better, the protagonist recovers from this incident and finds real love in the later part of the movie.

**06 Feb 2022

Music today.

Some days I have so music in me, that I cannot focus on anything else. Every song that I listen to sparks a thousand emotions inside of me. I could just sit for hours together doing nothing, just listening to my favorite songs. I can say that I am high on music today. I feel sensitive, and have this urge to create something beautiful, something big, something that does the same to others. I have immense respect for music creators, I just don’t know how they could do it. I used to play in a band when I was in college. We were pretty good and popular. We used to win many competitions. Until 10 years ago, we used to play in hard rock café. Now everything feels like an old dream. Given a chance I would love to go do it again. If you are ever in a band, don't ever let it go, rock on. Nothing can match the fun and adrenaline rush on stage. As I look back on all of it, I am reminded of the quote – “Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back everything is different”.

To let you folks know, and if you are wondering, why there wasn’t any post about my best friend lately. We are doing fine. We had a great chat afterwards and sorted out the misunderstanding. And like I said before, she gets me well, so it was easy to just say what I felt.

**02 Feb 2022

Keeping It Real.

An early morning post from me today because I am doing Ok, but in a fragile place right now. I am not worried, I am super calm while I write all of this, sitting by the lake and sipping my morning coffee. I wanted to quickly write down what I feel before I join work. I have had some thoughts in me, which I think most of us will be able to relate. I think we are a little confused and messed up in identifying real-genuine emotions due the virtual relationships these days. I just looked at my Facebook profile and I have 580 friends; it makes me wonder how many are real. It is humanly not possible for me to have so many friends. I find it difficult to give my attention to 10 different people in my life at a time. I have seen my Facebook friends love my updates/photos, and constantly say love/like interchangeably. From their wishes I can see that they are happy for me. They spread their wishes to me through hearts and likes. It makes me happy to think someone is happy for me. But it would be inaccurate for me to think they love me. Right? The way we exchange emotions have changed drastically in the recent times that I can think that all this has only faded the reality.

Back in the days, if you look at the previous generation, they had no social media. Everyone was clear – they must have had 10 distinct friends, some acquittances, and one romantic partner. This created so much clarity in their minds about relationships, made them understand what to expect from each of those relationships. As humanly it could get, people used to criticise and gossip about each other at lunch and dinners, but it was only within the community. I was fortunate, to grow up in a time where use of phones was limited, and social media was just starting to boom. Remember Orkut? So, I consider myself lucky at least for my childhood.

But today, the number of friends we have on Facebook, many hundreds of WhatsApp contacts, thousands of twitter and Instagram followers, and all noise in social media. Likes, comments, and the shares. Then there are dating apps where you could find people who would rate you with a swipe, where you are being judged and evaluated for your appearance. You are befriended because you are beautiful, you are followed just because you look fit. There is need and pressure to be a “likeable” person because we are in front of a million people. Back in days, a gossip would reach at most 50 people, mostly through grand mums, aunts, & mums in your neighbourhood. Life was difficult as it is but now, we have the internet where a gossip could go viral to a million people. A company’s growth and stock price could be determined based on a simple tweet. We are “a brand” these days, imagine work- for a job hunt, you must build an amazing CV to present yourself with best of your abilities. Have you ever seen a CV with your worst abilities? Did you ever wonder why you hide your worst side of you in a work CV, and always show the best side of you? Everyone has flaws, and people don’t like to see it, because they want the best side of you. They want to only see perfect side of you. The beautiful side of you because that gets their job done. An employer would invest in tools that increase your productivity than investing in making you a better person. Right? Only people who really love you will work on you to make you a better person by keeping it real.

These days, if people like what they see, they will tell they like you. If you are beautiful then, you will even get an “I love you”, but is that “love you” real? I think we need to take a pause and understand what meaningful relationships are in these times. Soak in feelings that are genuine. Separate virtuality. We are human and it is perfectly normal and Ok that we slip away because of the feeling. I think this is impacting all our lives much. It is true that all those people love you, but the question is for what? If you observe, it is for the things that you have in your CV(Curriculum vitae), for the help that you provided them being your contact. Let me give you an example: I have a WhatsApp group from work-The group is called “Bffs: Best friends forever”- really? When I joined the group, I was tempted to change the title to – “People at work”, but then I didn’t do it, why? Because I wanted to be the “likeable” person of the group. I went with the flow and said – “Yea, you guys are my bffs.” Whenever there is a technical question and someone is struggling to solve a problem, they post it in there and expecting someone would help, and one of them would be able to solve it? So now tell me if that’s what defines friendship and love? Think for a second, how many people in the group are going to be with me after I leave my current workplace? Tomorrow if I become useless? Do you think they will go out of their way to do something for me, if it doesn’t benefit them directly or indirectly? May be some of them would and those might be real friends. But not all of them, right?

May be we have to come out of the confusion by clearly defining and accepting the reality. Understand clearly differences between what is real, and what is not. Only oneself can do it because we created this abstraction. We want to spread love to everyone, but bear in mind that we are human. We are creating a storm inside of our heads by going through all this ambiguity. It shouldn’t be difficult for us to identify who is real and who is not. Let’s keep spreading love, not saying we have to be selective but we have to a reality check. But have those checks in your head and just observe. If someone is spreading love, soak it in & understand what is in for them. If you can clearly identify the people who will be ready to see the “other” side of you, are the people who really love you, the people to whom you really matter the most. For what is real “love” is your family, who brought you into this world. Who would even sacrifice their own happiness to make you happy?

My best friend said, True “love” is selfless and comes from those few people, who can look at your flaws but still and were by your side when you needed the most, not just say- “I am there” but were there with you during those difficult times. I totally agree with her. I started working at a young age. In past, I worked in one of the worst companies in the world as during the start of my career. But I had to do it to be financially stable. I am grateful for the employer to have if job because I needed the money, and they took me in when I received rejections from everywhere else. My employer exploited me, paid me below market and extracted twice as much as work possible, I knew it but I had to put up with it because I had no other choice at that time. It was my only source of income, and I was learning to swim. That time of my life when I was going through some challenges, so I am grateful that I at least had a stable job even though it didn't pay that well, but does that mean I spread love to them? No, I am grateful. And it was business, there is no love in business-there is always give & take, you agree? Be careful showing love at work because you might end up giving more. It is easy to say, “I love you”, I like you, because everyone wants to spread love. It is up to us to understand that the difference. Identify what is real. Because only we can, because we defined it in the first place.

As one person and it is not possible to give our time to everyone. In the world today, if you are a perfectionist and try to you give your 100% to everyone then, it is very likely that you miss someone who really deserves your time. So, I think we must choose who to give it to and invest in what is real.

When you feel lonely, then ask yourself this question-Do you have a family that loves you, and you love? Real love is when your grandma brings home sweets for you to eat, and gives it to you after school. It is when she secretly lets you play outside even though it is past your study time. Real love is when a dad and mum postpone their necessities, sacrifice some of their luxuries to buy home an expensive guitar for their son on his seventeenth birthday.

Do you have at least one friend who you can trust and count on when you need support the most? Real love is what you see in that friend, when it’s your birthday and you’re going through a breakup, and that friend decides to stay over at your place for the night, brings a birthday cake, just to make sure that you are Ok and not lonely on your special night.

Do you have friends/well-wishers who you can talk to without expecting anything in return from you? Real love is from those friends with whom your secrets are safe, and not be judged for who you are. It is when they are able to guide you in the right direction so that you are safe and happy and would never let you get into unwanted bias and distractions.

And last but not something not to hurry, do you have that one person, a special someone who will be for you, with you, always, even if the whole world is against you? You don’t need to rush to find the person, you have your whole life in front of you, maybe you will find them, or they will find you, in both cases for who you really are, not the things written in your CV, so give it time.

If you have enjoyed the things, I have said then have no doubts, you are lucky and you have some great people around you who love you for who you are and will always be there for you. You just need to trust yourself; you are Ok.

**31 Jan 2022

Old friends.

Finally, my Covid test came negative yesterday. And this means I regained my privilege to go around and travel. I met my three old best friends from childhood today, at a bowling alley, just like the good old times. We made a day out of it, went to the countryside, and had an amazing lunch in a farm. There was so much to share, and so many old stories to retell. I think I haven't had so much fun in years. Moments like these are priceless, makes you think how lucky you are to have great friends. Suddenly, it reminded me of all the times when I was sitting alone in my apartment, thinking agendas for a Friday evening. It would have been great to if all of us lived nearby, I could keep all my friends close but then life happens, everyone's got to make a living, so they are in different countries. I remember we had made a pact that we would buy house next to each other when we are successful. All of us are successful, but we are successful in different countries. I have a beautiful dream, if someday when all of us are married and have families, we just pick a common country and move with our families in nearby row houses. But for the time being, at least am happy that we can get together occasionally.

**30 Jan 2022

Ouch.

There are days when we go down in a spiral of emotions. Yesterday was one such day for me. It is not clear what happened to me. I was feeling great the whole day, and in good vibes. I was waiting to talk to her, for her to finish her commitments, throughout the day. Waiting for her messages, waiting for her usual “Hi, how are you?”. I think the excitement took over me as soon as I saw her message on messenger. I typed in an emotional text thinking it would be flattering but over explained, became emotional and spoke too much for no reason, and my emotions turned. And unfortunately, she wasn’t in that place to understand what I meant or possibly meant, don’t think I can blame her because I couldn't understand what I tried to say either. It was a bit sad that she didn’t understand that I was trying to flatter her by saying that "I see you differently, you are special.". To be honest, with her all I had to do was just say it. This was the first time I didn’t get through to her. I am not sure what triggered the set of events, but something she said over text made me feel much worse. Although, I knew that this was just a moment of misunderstanding, my heart took a hit instantly. She was in a very good mood as she had a very good day. Neither I wanted to explain or wanted to crush her happiness, so I chose to move away because I think, she didn’t realize it. And me explaining was bound to make it complicated. I think this was the first time, I felt this way. For the first time over a year, I think I have slept with some unsettling feeling inside of me. It is said that you shouldn’t take your sorrows to bed. I must practice it more often. I think it makes sense to hold back your decisions when your emotions are high, it can cause bias. I feel today that I did the right thing but not complicating it. I am not upset about the misunderstanding because I know that will pass, and it is nothing really. But because of the lost moments with her.

**29 Jan 2022

Language Of Love.

There are many ways to express what you feel towards someone. Remember the times, when you hang out with your friends all time, it is a way of showing affection and showing the other person you like them. Isn’t it? Or is it plain selfishness to make you feel better unless the other person doesn’t like to hangout with you. I used to hangout with my 3 best friends all the time when I was younger, and they used to enjoy being with me. We have hiked to many places and done numerous road trips and driven thousands and thousands of miles, like no other groups. I recall one of my friends wanting to setup a pc and not having the skills to do it and a friend helping him out. And then there is the dentist friend of mine, she never charges GP consultation fees from me, even though I insist. My parents are old and there are folks who assist my parents when alone. I was touched by a noble gesture from one of my neighbours, an old lady. She is 90. She lives alone in her independent villa. I visit her often just to see if I could help her with something. She was badly in need of help with chores because she was sick and, but she is very self-sufficient and independent so always hesitant to ask for help. So, I made a few phone calls tried to get her help, unfortunately I couldn’t find anyone due to pandemic. I tried, tried, but failed. Somehow, she came to know that I was trying, through one of our neighbours. Finally, she managed to arrange for help through someone and she had the courtesy of letting me know and thank me for trying. Recently, I understood that she had spread that word in the entire neighbourhood that I took efforts and arranged for help when she needed. I was moved by her gesture; she had simply given me the credit for her efforts. When I travel, I have seen people give left over food to homeless folks and there are number of people who do charity, being completely selfless who spread love to the universe. I think we all should take a minute and think what we have done to make our loved one or special someone feel special today. Nothing monetary, may be a hug, or a simple- “hey how are you?”. There are a million ways to express love to the people who really matter to you, at the simplest, learn at least a few words for them in their native language and used it on them. It is pure bliss when they smile for you and feel your heart melt with connection.

**26 Jan 2022

Anonymous

I received an email today from someone who was an avid reader on my previous blog. He recognizes me, and I know him personally too. We met each other when I was in Finland. He was asking me why I was anonymous and what's wrong in just being open about identity? It is a great question, because of a simple reason. There is nothing is this blog that is a real big secret or unparlimentary, these are plain experiences. It is to avoid unwanted attention. I know where I am now, but I don't know my future. I might get into a relationship, have a family. I don't have a problem in accepting who I am and on any level I would be happy for my partner to read all of this. But I don't want attention from an outsider, saying to my partner, hey I read what boyfriend has to say and I know what was going through his mind, what his perspectives. Of course, I can live with that. But I am worried about what I will put the other person through. So the anonymity is for her and not for me.

**25 Jan 2022

Touch.

Have you ever been touched by kindness of a person? I heard my manager say to my colleague, hey you have been working hard why dont you take the day off. I was touched by his gesture. My colleague deserved it, he has been working hard and going through some personal issues. It was definitely something that I encouraged him to do. I personally have had many instances of kindness shown to me and falling in love with the person: I have had that feeling very recently when my best friend woke up early in the morning even though she slept really late, to only wish you good luck for my interview. She never accepted that she did in the first place, but knowing her nature I am pretty sure she planned it. Imagine someone putting post it on the mirror, of most important dates that matter to you so that they remember it. It is that gesture, of recording a small video "wishing you luck, have a safe flight" and sending it across because you are on their mind, but they were busy working and they couldn't type it out. It is their willingness to talk with you, when they realize that you are low and going through something. All of this, being selfless, touches your soul in ways you cannot imagine. And importantly if someone does all this with no expectation at all then they are entitled to a million blessings. And if you are at the receiving end, you are blessed.

**22 Jan 2022

Fighting My Emotions.

Is life always as simple as it looks? Or under the covers it is complicated? Or do we complicate it? My best friend once said yea, it is true, life is simple but we complicate it. But is it? Won't it be a chaos if we all live the way we wish to live? What are those ground rules? And that is why I think too complex for a simple being like me to comprehend. I heard a guru say: Even the simplest of the machines come with a user manual, but life which is the most complex machine in the world, doesn't have one. Either it was too complex to create one or all the instructions are so clear that it wasn't needed. In my case, all my emotions are on the extreme. When am happy I experience a deep sense of happiness. I often regress into my thoughts. When I am angry I walk away. If you upset me, I will disappear. If I love, I give my fullest. But I am scared sometimes, what if the other person doesn't want to be loved the way I do? What is just the right amount? Where is the moderation when it comes to emotions? I once heard someone say, weather it is anger or happiness or sadness, take a minute to sink it in, then react. It all makes sense.

**21 Jan 2022

Overwhelmingly Positive.

I am such a positive person today. Yup, I tested positive for Covid. The trigger to test was because one of my gardeners tested positive. With elders at home, I didn't want to risk it, so we went and got tested. All of us are positive but fortunately, none of us have any symptoms. I do feel a bit low today not physically, but mentally. I wonder why? I think I am beginning to think a lot about what I should do next. I feel that I am not helping the needy enough. I do contribute as much as I can to the society but still there is this feeling that I could do more. But what can I? Is it that I am not doing enough? I wish there was a user manual which clearly called out all the things one could do to help others or may be there is one and I just don't see it. Right now, the only way I can help this world is by staying indoors and not spreading this to anyone. I can never make peace with myself if someone else contracts this disease from me and they suffer.

**20 Jan 2022

My Heart Beats For You.

Off late, past couple of months, I have been writing a lot about her. I didn’t realize it until couple of my followers emailed me and asked if I was in a relationship with her/pen pal/my best friend. And if I was in love? We do say – we are. But I don’t really know what it means really. If she really means it, what I am to expect? To be honest, I don't expect anything. I don’t know if I can answer this question now, but I can say a few things that I feel for your understanding, you can define a worldly term for it-I have affection. I adore her. I care for her. I have immense respect for who she is. My heart aches when she is upset, and I would do anything to make her feel better. I cannot see a drop of tear from her eyes, it crushes me. I cannot imagine any harm to her or done to her. I am ready to go/stay away from her even forever, if at all I must, for her own good. I would protect her from all evil forever. I am absolutely attracted to her. I go head over heels talking to her. Maybe we must wait to find out for months, even years or a lifetime or even beyond. I also had one of my followers ask me if this blog was a way to get through to her. It is an interesting question because I can, if only you had given me this idea before, thanks very much lovely friend. ;) At least this point in time, she has no idea that I have a blog. Or I have written about her. I don’t know how she would react seeing some of our private emotions scribed here. I started writing before I met her, but I didn’t know that she I would be writing so much about her in the past months 😊 And I didn’t write with an intention of sharing it her either. The blog is not focussed only about her, but it is a sweet coincidence that, off late she is one of my important commitments in life and as I carry on the walk of life, I am understanding a lot about me through her, and she is appearing in most of my recent posts. She is making me see some of the best qualities in me through some great conversation we have been having over the past few months. Her interests match mine, so we seem to hit it off easily. Like all other days, today I started missing her. It is so strange that she was a text away, but I felt she was away in a galaxy far, far away. So, unable to hold off any longer. I texted her and opened with a cheesy line - 60… 3600…86400…2628002. The number of times my heart beats for her. She did remember the numbers from a past chat. We talked for hours until we feel asleep. I learnt today that she is a lone kid like me. I think all lone kids have this problem :D. We keep wondering where we fit in the grand scheme or maybe it is just both of us like this. I genuinely like her, care for her and I know it is just not the physical attraction. I know this or at least I think I know this. I know she writes in her free time when she is alone. She is a thinker; she enjoys the calmness and likes to write something just like me. I remember she once took a trip to a forest and sat there days together enjoying nature and writing her feelings. I was curious to read a few lines from her, so I asked her to share something with me and she did. She could have said no or said later but she did. And no surprise, I absolutely loved her lines. I complimented "beautiful" but that was such an understatement. I didn't know how to react when someone else scribes your feelings down. I don't think she got the response she deserved. It was simple, plain, original and was something that I feel. She is a wonderful person. If you read through my past post from 27 Dec 2021, I wrote something very similar, with her in my mind. Looking at her handwriting, my Graphology instincts kicked in. I did some handwriting analysis in my head. I could say that she is very straightforward, introvert as she had straight strokes. Although big, long words indicate that she likes to be in a crowd and wants to be social, she is the opposite, I couldn't agree to it because I know she is an introvert and doesn't party. But now I think of it, maybe it is true which I don't know. Again, and again I find this immense bond and connection in this girl. But I will never know why? I will never understand how this universe works; one can be so connected with a person even though they are not near you. But I wonder if she feels the same. By the end of the night, I understood by the end of the night that these numbers went into her diary :). That must mean I am special, right?

**19 Jan 2022

I miss her

I miss her but I know she has some important commitments coming up and she had to focus. So, I thought of not disturbing her, yet my hand goes to my phone, typing in a message or a heart and sending it across. Only to let her know am thinking of her. At the same time, scared of distracting, annoying her. I am always left in a constant fear how much is, too much. Because I want her to succeed. It is difficult to stay away from someone you love, but it is so difficult when you know that you will disturb them if you let them know that. Sometimes, you must trust nature, and believe that the other person would feel what you feel, even if you don’t utter a word. It is possible. I know her and she knows me. Sometimes, I just look at her “last seen” status hundred times a day, just to console my heart that she is Ok. I am sure, she does too. Sometimes staying away from the person is important to give their space, so that they can focus and succeed.

**17 Jan 2022

the unknown travellers

We are all travellers, aren't we? Our journeys might be different, but destination is the same. All of us start from the same place, and end in the same place. I once heard a guru say-All our clocks run at the same pace. Every second, we are taking a step closer to death. Make it worthwhile. Are you making it count? Not just earning, spending the money on yourself and families. Am not judging, it is a question? How do you make it worthwhile? Are we who we think we are? I think we are all travellers, and, in this journey, we meet other travellers. Where we reach finally is totally dependent on us, what we are capable of. Isn't it? You may choose to go 100 miles, sometimes a 1000 and other times travel outside. What if we were able to cross beyond this dimension? It is possible right? What we see now and perceive is all that we can see, touch, smell and are limited to human boundaries. What if we could break these barriers and connect with nature? But how? I have heard gurus say it. All of this just goes way over my head. But I think it is possible. Try going to the mountains, closing your eyes and just observe everything around you. You can feel everything around you swallowing you, total peace surrounding you. Suddenly you could hear the things which you didn't hear before. I think we just don't listen enough. Our minds are so worked up that we don't pay attention to anything around us. Sometimes, am stuck in a fantasy where we both sit on top of mountain, gazing at infinity and soak in everything around us. Just the two souls discovering each other in silence. If you can find that one companion who is willing to do this with you, by your side, I think you can feel the silence of the deep ocean in your heart, and you can have everything in this world and beyond. I had a very similar conversation with her, she shares the same opinion. And I think we should be called - "the unknown travellers".

**15 Jan 2021

Protected.

I heard my best friend say - "good things are kept away to be protected from others". If you think about it, it is true. Think about all the customs in early days where they used to do to keep evils away. People used to keep priceless posessions a secret from your family and friends. Just to protect your favorite posessions from their eyes.

**14 Jan 2021

Have we met before?

Now both of us see it. We really think we have met before. Not in this life but in the past.

**08 Jan 2022

Wish We Could Talk.

Sometimes my heart is filled with a feeling where I miss her so much. I know I have to give her the space, so I do. Keeping calm, waiting for her to finish everything, and come to me. But only if she wants to, and not because she is obliged to in any way. Obligations ruin friendships, relationships. Do you think so too?

**06 Jan 2022

Hot Or Cold.

Thank you everyone for your warm wishes. My mailbox is flooding with your wishes. I cannot thank enough for reading what I write and just keep my sanity. The thought for today is where do I want to live hot or cold place? I love living in a cold place. Anyday I would love to move to Norway, Sweden or Finland. Infact, I would love to live in Svalbard. Away from everyone, to the north of the world. I eventually plan to buy a chalet in Swiss Alps and move there until my last, so my love for mountains is satisfied. So this or that. I am currently in Dubai and I love the weather here too. It is absolutely brilliant but my hearts makes me want Snow and Ice.

**02 Jan 2022

A New Year Wish.

I am grateful for every minute I get, and for everything I have. I have always got what I wanted. I am gifted in a sense. I cannot be more grateful for the past year. I have learned a lot in the past year. In terms of work and personal. I have great family who is supportive. I have made great relationships at work. I am in the best team in the world who are supportive, caring and loving towards co-workers. It is a gift, and I could be never more grateful. I have my friends who were a bit away this year, it wasn't a great year for friendships, I think. We couldn’t meet up much because of Pandemic. I am grateful I found a beautiful soul. She is the only person I wished to be at 12 today. I waited and sent her a wish at 12 her time but to my surprise she did the same. She had already wished me at 12 Dubai time. Now, don’t you think that is special. Isn’t it? She remembering that I am in Dubai and wishing me at that time? These small gestures makes me think we share a bond beyond. I think over these months, our friendship and love for each other has grown multi folds. You feel it too?

**01 Jan 2022