the mystic traveller.
A note to myself.
What Is Iove?.
What makes you fall in love with a person? Appearance? Physical connection? Understanding? Similarities? Is it possible to fall in love with a person without seeing them in real, or touching them physically? Have a mental connection, sinking you fully with their presence, a bond, have great understanding, know what makes the other person happy, what hurts them, what they are going through, be there for the person all the time and share emotions? I have had this feeling before. Not my first time, I have had this feeling before. I think may be this isn’t love, I think it is friendship. But when you are opposite genders, don't friends fall in love? Love, infatuation, crush, are all these plain words given to the same feeling with different degree of intensity? Or am I just not capable of understanding the difference? It is very different how we interpret this feeling differently at every stage of our lives. When I was in school, in the 4th grade. I was a very competitive in academics and sports, always one of the toppers in my class. My dad used to say – “Pick a person in your class who you think you like and just compete with them so that you can be a better yourself. Don’t be an admirer, because if you do that then you will never be able to be better than them”. I wonder why he didn’t say just compete with yourself rather than picking someone else. I just followed that judiciously because I loved the thrill of competition. A new girl joined my class, and I liked the mystery around her. I was intrigued by her, how she topped most of the subjects in the first week. It turned into this feeling instantly, where I wanted to just look at her. Well, I saw that she returned my looks and she liked me too. At times our eyes would meet, and I would other times catch her looking at me. What is this feeling? We never spoke to each other, but I could see that she enjoyed the competition too. She always pushed me to do better. Until one day, I heard that she was leaving for holidays and her parents picked her up from school early. A deep sense of sadness hit me; I didn’t realize I would miss her until that moment. It was new at the same time, horrible, a sense of void. As I was returning home after school, walking and passed her house, I was thinking when her train was? If she had already left. If she thought of me at all, would she miss me like I would? I turned to look if I could catch a glimpse of her and to my surprise, I saw her waiting in the balcony smiling at me, waving bye. Suddenly, my sadness disappeared, and I could feel happiness all over me that I have never experienced. She caught me smiling and that image is still is etched in my heart. Was that love? Let’s forward a few years, I was in high school. It happened to me again. There was a girl I spotted on the football field, always watched me play. I noticed her daily, sitting in the same place, watching me play. After a month or two, I used to get upset if I didn’t see her. I used to secretly try to spot her because I didn’t want to give her any signs that I was noticing. One day she played a trick on me, she sat on the opposite stand to test me. I was getting upset that I didn’t see her, and then I noticed her smiling and driving pleasure of it. We exchanged looks and eventually I had feelings for her. We went out a couple of times, used to exchange texts. Then she moved to a different country for studies. While I think through all of this, and drive up to the mountains, I am reminded of the song by Celine Dione- “Love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime, and never let go 'til we're gone”. Don’t get me wrong, am not saying, I can love many women at the same time. What am trying to say is I felt love towards a few women in the past but at different times, during my course of life and that love cannot be forgotten. If you ask me, do I have the same love I had for my girl I studied with in the 4th grade, I can tell No. The love didn’t get wiped but for sure I can tell that I wouldn’t want anything bad for any of them. If you are now thinking- can someone love multiple people? Then, I am laughing in my head, because I am incapable of it-we are talking about different “love” here. Love for parents is different, you have two parents, and you love them both. Love that you show to friends is different, and to your siblings. I am strictly talking about a romantic relationship between two people. It is becoming difficult for me to hide that I have started to develop feelings for my new best friend, I don’t really know if she feels the same way too. I don’t really know if she will ever have it. I am not sure there is anything we would do about it or will do about it. If she is really who she has been with me, if this is the real her, and then maybe she has feelings for me too, yet to realize it. Then I just know her, and I don't have words to explain how. I know what she feels, her principles in life-although she hasn't shared it with me. I know her definitions of right and wrong. I know what her boundaries in life are-in relationships, in smoking, in drinking and why. She pays attention to every minute details of my mine and reciprocates it, except for her memory which I know she is taking extra care to remember. (Just the effort is admirable to me) One wouldn't just act all these emotions, right? This must be. What is love, really? Is it willing to doing anything to any extent for someone? Or is it caring for the other person? Or travelling together in search of true meaning of life to find eternity?
I Love The Beach.
I spent lot of time in the beach today till early morning. The sea looked rough today and it was cold but I think I like the tension. It looks like there is a storm to come, and I can see dark clouds above. But it isn't scary rather beautiful. I found a bunch of turtles on the shore who were very friendly. It looks like they are preparing themselves on the shore. I gave them company, sat next to them and watched them. They seem to be comfortable around me. I don't know why am so lost today. I could spend the entire night on the shores here just hearing the waves hit the rocks. Turtles are really beautiful creatures, have you tried keeping a branch next to them when they are moving? They would slowly climb over it and keep moving. Something to learn from them. They are persistent and they cross the branch how ever you keep it and get to the ocean. It is kiddish but enjoyed playing with them. Like I said, I feel lost: I remember a guru's saying: if you are not lost, how can you be found?
My holidays
Able to spend time with family and friends is the most valueable gift you can get. Getting a good family is a blessing and if you have a family that is clingy, I think you should feel happy and cherish it, you are the luckiest person on the planet. I think that is the best Christmas gift already. Hope you have a peaceful break. Take time to find ourself, with your own beings.
Best friend
I have had 3 best friends throughout my life. Now I have one more. She just promoted me to her best friend, and for me she is one too. I know she will be there for me even if the whole world is against me.
I would like you to see through my lens
Sometimes you wish you could make other people see through your eyes. Just to make them see what you see, then ask them what they feel. Just to see if they feel the same emotions as you.
A Beautiful Friendship
Some relationships start with acquittance, then become friendship, then friendship turned into love, and then something more. I am grateful for all the great friendships I have made so far. This is one of my favourite quotes and it resonates with me: “There is a wonderful thing that gold cannot buy, a blessing that is rare and true, and that’s the gift of a wonderful friend, Friend like the friend I have in you”.